THE NICETIES OF SEX

The British health watchdog NICE wants children as young as five to be given lessons in sex and relationships.

NICE, which is a bit of a misnomer as this organization is normally telling the chronically or terminally ill they cannot have the drugs to save or prolong their lives, has apparently carried out a study on the matter.

One wonders how many batches of vital drugs it could have purchased for the seriously ill if instead of showboating and trying to catch the tabloid headlines it had put the money to better use.

I happen to believe that sex education is a matter for parents although I have to say mine were no use at all. They are both long since departed and I never heard anything about the birds or the bees.

My first brush with sex was at the age of six when Dorothy, my next door neighbour and the same age as me, lured me in to her garden tent to play nurse and patient. I was the patient, she was my nurse, she examined my body very thoroughly so today she would no doubt be placed on the sex offenders list. Yet for all the care and attention she left me none the wiser.

When I was eleven and at grammar school there was a lad in our class who had a nervous order and we all deemed to be mad. One day he brought in a medical book which indeed showed very accurately what a man did to a woman. However we all considered this at great lengthy and were unanimous in our view that no way would our parents do that – which just went to confirm his madness.

By the age of 15, in the midst of the swinging 60s, Jack the lad was in our class. He was very sexually experienced and assured us that he used the ink reservoir of his fountain pen as a condom. Of course you would be hard put to stretch the rubber tube over your little finger let alone anywhere else – but the fact we accepted his word as gospel is both hilarious and depressing.

Well needless to say my son stands as testament to the fact that I did finally learn the facts of sex although I have to say my education never involved any birds or bees, my parents, classmates or government body. I suspect for the majority of my generation the story is the same and as the world’s population is booming it would appear we have no trouble with the niceties of sex – although relationships and responsibility are another matter.