CHAVES: LONG TO REIGN OVER US

For as long as I have lived in Spain I have been based in Andalucía. Hence throughout that period Manuel Chaves has been the president of the regional government.

Indeed he has held that office for 19 years so has been omnipresent in my life – like Father Christmas – or God.

Now I have to get used to José Antonio Griñán who I don’t know from Adam, or Eve come to that. I am not sure if I want to be governed by a person whose surname sounds like a foot complaint.

Chaves made the chief minister of Gibraltar, Peter Caruana, look like a Johnny-come-lately. Caruana, who has been elected four successive times, holds the view that it is the people of Gibraltar and not his party that will tell him its time to go so he could be top dog on a small rock for ever.

And what of Manuel?

Well there are those who viewed him as the life dictator of Andalucía. Now he has moved to Madrid. I see his role is as one of three vice presidents to the president of the government himself – José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero. So Chaves is nicely placed when José Luis decides to spend more time with his family.

It therefore follows that in the coming years I could be ruled by Manuel Chaves again. Only this time he’ll be prime minister of Spain.

Adam and Eve it!

RAPE ON A PLATE

My eye caught a news story yesterday that informed me that the British supermarket Sainsbury’s were renaming the fish known as “Pollack” because customers have reported that asking for it by name was embarrassing.

It will now be renamed “Colin” which is apparently French for a similar fish but sounds like a Gay wine bar owner to me, but then, what do I know.

Apparently to the English ear, "Pollack" sounds unfortunately like a slang word for testicles, as well being close to two other words used as insults, one of them racist. Well it doesn’t to me but then I am tone deaf.

Of course in Spain we have a very popular fish called “Rape”, which I believe is the humble monkfish. I espied a sign outside a restaurant in Ronda, which served ‘Rape a la parrilla’, enticing British customers in with the promise of “Rape on a plate”. There didn’t seem many takers!

There is the famous Spanish coffee brand “Bonka” that should appeal to the famed British love of sexual innuendo.

However for me the favourite has to be a brand of gin. I remember a very demure lady in her 70s once telling me with delight how buses used to drive around Madrid with posters for “Focking Gin” on the sides. She was particularly pleased as she could go up to the host at a party and demand “Give me a Focking Gin” – “and make it a large one!”

My sentiments entirely.

A KICK IN THE TEETH!

There must be some American in-joke about the British and their teeth. Whenever I watch Jay Leno on the legendry Tonight Show on NBC he invariably fires off a salvo on the state of our dentures.

As a Briton I am not aware of us having bad teeth but I believe if my memory serves me right, and it rarely does, that we used to poke fun at the Irish for being a molar or two short of a fall set.

Indeed just this weekend the BBC has apologised after presenter Clare Balding made fun of Grand National winning jockey Liam Treadwell’s teeth on air. Apparently in the post-race interview, Balding asked the jockey to show his teeth - telling him he could now afford to “get them done” after winning the biggest race of his life. She told viewers: “He hasn't got the best teeth in the world.” Umm – and with the name Liam it’s a fair bet he’s Irish too.

In Spain, well I’m not too sure. I have a sense that the people of Andalucía are said to have bad teeth but whether the residents of say Madrid or Barcelona look down on my neighbours’ dentures I have no idea. They certainly poke fun at what comes out of their mouths – the pure Andaluz tongue – but their teeth, I know not.

I did spend a frantic hour or so some years back with my neighbour Isidro. He was clearing some brambles from a wooded area when with the exertion his false teeth shot out and we all had to go and search for them. We never did find them and they lay thereabout grinning inanely to this day.

For my final word on this subject, for now at least, I take you to Germany where police are searching for a man who tried to walk out of a supermarket with 68 tubes of toothpaste stuffed into his clothing. Noticing his bulging jacket, a shop worker grabbed the man when he refused to stop and the tubes of toothpaste fell all over the floor. Police are looking for a man with very clean teeth! I guess Jay would say – that means he can’t be British!

I’M RICH – AT LAST!

Good news readers! I am now rich beyond my dreams. Of course I want to celebrate with you so don’t hold back on the begging letters.

When I checked in to my emails this morning:

Mr Bernard West says I can have 40 per sent of US Dollars 232,000,000 if I just send him my bank details.

Dr Richard Williams tells me I can share in 15,000,000 sterling locked in a bank in Nigeria.

The Camelot Group informs me I have won 891,934 in sterling.

In the Siemens draw I have scooped 750,000 pounds.

There’s more!

In the Swiss National Lottery, which oddly has an address in Birmingham, I have clocked up another cool million pounds.

Microsoft has decided to give me 891,934 in sterling. About right for all the heart ache its software has caused me but it is curiously the same amount as Camelot want to give me!

Another doctor, this time Harry Raymonds, informs me 1,532,720 (doesn’t say what currency) is mine in the UK lottery monthly promo.

And last, but certainly not least, the Irish National Lottery Board is handing over 1,801,613 euros.

Not bad for a morning’s work. I haven’t totalled it up but at a guess it is a few bob more than British Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, claims for renting “adult” movies.

Rest assured I am still the same humble and approachable hack that I was this morning before I went to my inbox. So don’t treat me with any more awe that you normally do. However the doffing of your ‘titfer’ or a slight curtsey will not go amiss.

CITIZENS OF EUROPE OR XENOPHOBES?

The reason most immigrants come to Spain or any other European country is to find work. During the times of economic crisis that currently exist there is less reason for them to stay, so they move on.

I read that over a million immigrants in Spain have returned to their home country or other locations offering better work prospects. Certainly in the village where I live, which has had a high Romanian population, the numbers of immigrants has greatly decreased since the jobs in construction and on the land dried up.

According to a recent poll carried out by Harris Interactive and published in the ‘Financial Times’ in Britain and Italy 80 per cent of nationals believe that immigrants should leave if they cannot find work. In Spain the figure is 70 per cent whilst the French are divided 50 – 50.

I am British but my home is in Spain and has been for nearly 20 years. My son was born in Dublin but has lived in Spain longer than anywhere else. As an EU citizen Spain is as much my nation as any other country in the union. If I suddenly became unemployed I would battle on here because this is where I live.

However I recognise, largely because I am British and because of my country’s attitude to immigration, that seeking work in hard times in a nation that is not your own is fraught with dangers. You could be accused of holding a job that could go to a Spaniard or be chasing a job that “by right” should be held down by a Spaniard.

It is at times like these that we see just how far the concept of becoming a citizen of Europe has progressed. I have as much right to a job in Spain as a Spanish person does to a job in Britain. Whilst we are all happy to embrace that mantra in the good times when the going gets tough then xenophobia rules – and it rules nowhere stronger than the British Isles.

FULL RECOVERY OF THE SOVEREIGNTY OF THE ROCK

According to media reports Spain’s Foreign Minister, Miguel Angel Moratinos, has urged the Partido Popular to stop making politics over Gibraltar and to support the PSOE government’s efforts “for the full recovery of the sovereignty of the Rock.”

Given that it is Spain’s declared intention to regain its sovereignty of Gibraltar later if not sooner I find nothing wrong with that statement – except for one thing. I presume by Madrid’s efforts he means the Tripartite Process, the Córdoba Agreements and so on.

Fine.

However I was under the impression that these negotiations and agreements were to develop ties and co-operation between Spain and Gibraltar. Nobody has publicly stated that is was all part of the process of “the full recovery of the sovereignty of the Rock.” Perhaps even the Partido Popular didn’t know.

The question is did Gibraltar’s chief minister, Peter Caruana, and the British Foreign Secretary, David Millipede?

Of course Gibraltar’s GSLP leader, Joe Bossano, his presumed heir elect, Fabian Picardo, the leader of the Liberals Dr Joseph Garcia and the Rock’s apes have always suspected this was so – but then they would, wouldn’t they!

They of little faith have had their faith restored.

As I have stated oft times before I do not care what future status Gibraltar opts for – but – yes its one of my buts again – whatever that future is it has to have the full agreement of the people of the Rock. Hence if I was Miguel Angel I would stop worrying about the Partido Popular and instead concentrate more on the 30,000 Llanitos who don’t support his government’s “hidden” efforts either!

A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN – OR HELL?

The regional government elections were held in the Basque region, País Vasco, a month ago. It now appears that a coalition between PSOE and the Partido Popular will rule. This unlikely partnership of centre right and centre left national parties has been created in order to prevent the moderate nationalist PNV and its leader, Juan José Ibarretxe, from retaking power in the Basque region.

Despite the effects of the recession the socialists, who govern in Madrid, were the second biggest party after the regional elections having gained seven seats and hence its leader Patxi López will be the next lehendakari or president of the Basque Government. In return for backing his nomination the Partido Popular will take the presidency of the parliament in Vitoria.

Whoever is chosen by the PP to take the presidency of the parliament he or she will be the first member of that party to hold the post and only the second non-nationalist since the parliament’s creation in 1980.The two parties will then split the majority of the governmental posts between them whilst allowing for any other political groups that might back them.

The only two things that unite PSOE and the PP in this endeavour are their mutual support for a united Spain and their loathing for the PNV. They have dismissed with contempt the belief of the PNV that it had a “divine right” to govern. Yet can these two war horses of the Spanish political scene pull the Basque cart in the same direction?

They are at loggerheads at a national level at a time when Spain is in crisis so that is not a good omen. However in the Basque region the stakes are even higher. If the two national parties cause the Basque cart to tumble then there is a real danger that they will drive their some of their voters into the arms of the PNV and some of its members in to extreme groups supporting the terrorist group ETA.

At this time the majority of Basque people do not support the ETA ideals of a separate nation, especially one built on bloodshed. It would be a tragic irony if this marriage of PSOE and the PP that has seemingly been made in heaven – ends up taking the region to hell!

(2009 Election results: PNV 30 (29), PSOE 25 (18), PP 13 (15), Aralar 4 (1) Others 3 – 2005 results in brackets)